My Life is Interesting. What About Yours?

4:00 AM THOUGHTS

2011-07-10T11:39:00.001-07:00

Someone farted in my bed. Wait. That's me.

SLEEPLESS IN SUDBURY HILL

2008-06-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, hate is such a strong word so instead I'll say 'I have a very strong disliking for England in the summer!'

The nights are short, hot and muggy, and all day long I am constantly assaulted by boobs and bottoms screaming LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK AT ME!!! (I once saw a t-shirt with the words "Tell your boobs to stop staring at me..." I have a good mind to order one just for times like these.) And to add to my woes is this endless sneezing by day and coughing by night.

All this is to say that it's 4 o'clock in the morning and I haven't had a wink of sleep. And one wonders why I find myself wondering what it would feel like to be shot with a tranquilizer dart?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

2008-04-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

On this my birthday, I got gifted with a pair of handsome shoes and a watch! I think I shall sleep in them...
Whoo hoo!!

THX MONKEY

2008-03-10T22:43:00.001-07:00

THE 6 TRUTHS OF LIFE

2007-12-13T13:19:00.000-08:00

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth try it.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.

2007-12-09T00:07:00.000-08:00

EVERYBODY POOPS!!!

CRISIS IN N. UGANDA

2007-11-08T18:26:00.000-08:00

ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN...

2007-10-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

So in the spirit of wanting to stay abreast with the news at home, I regularly visit Ugandan news sites such as www.newvision.co.ug On this fateful day however, I did visit the page and guess what I found? Okay so you despise guessing games... Blah blah!

So I visit today's news page and what do I find? [DARN IT!!] I'll tell you. Plastered on the front page, the government of Uganda felt the need to PROUDLY ANNOUNCE not only to Ugandans but to the world that it has procured a BlackBerry to help facilitate the coordination of activities for the upcoming Common Wealth Summit [CHOGM]. Three cheers to you Government of Uganda! In fact, way to go... Government of Uganda! This is way up there in the "One-small-step-for-man" category of achievements.

BUMBO III - REVENGE OF THE NOT-CLONE.

2007-10-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

I so know y'all will enjoy these li'l videos. They had me crackin' up!

This one's called READY-SET-BUMBO II. HAVE A LAUGH!

THE PEE-PEE SONG...

2007-10-01T19:36:00.000-07:00

Tinkle tinkle little star
In the toilet not the car
Up above the bowl so high
Like the raindrops from the sky...

You can fill the rest in for yourself.

WOO HOO... WHAT A RIDE!!

2007-10-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

SPRECHEN SIE BLACKANESE?

2007-09-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

'Sup y'all, hit me up if any y'all recognize this piece. It's called BIG DADDY RAP. Uh-huh... So let's see how much blackanese you speak. Peace out!

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin
So be yo hood
You be sayin' it, I be doin' it
In this ere hood and yo's
Gimme some eats
And cut me some slack, Blood
So's I be doin' it to dem dat diss me
Don' be pushin' me into no jive
And keep dem crips away
'Cause you always be da man,
Straight up.

I WISH, I WISH, I WISH...

2007-09-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Back in the day [dang, I'm old], there was a song...dunno what the title of it was but the dude that sung it wished he was a li'l bit taller, he wished he was a baller, he wished he had a girl so he'd call her- and so forth. Remember it? Well, I came up with my own skewed version of it - for a reason that I will tell you about at the end of this post. Ready? Here goes.

I wish I was li'l bit whiter.
I wish I was a biker.
I wish I had a girl I would skype her [bite her, fight her, smite her - whatever dude. As long as it rhymes with whiter and biker].
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat and blah blah blah...

So where was I? Oh yeah. I wish I was a li'l bit whiter because that way, I wouldn't get suspicious looks when I take an early morning stroll thru' a quiet suburban neighborhood, or when I stand outside and talk to a friend on the phone. After all, it a'int my fault that AT&T has lousy network coverage!

I wish I was a biker only so I can feel the wind whistle thru' my lustrous locks... Oh, and I don't wanna bite or fight anyone. But I might smite you if you don't leave a comment. Pun intended.

Muhahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

I LIKE THE BA-ARRR-TEN-DERRR??!?

2007-09-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks to T-Pain, I'm in major pain. I like the Ba-aarrr-ten-derrr is all I been hearing so much so that I haven't even sung a good Christian song for the last few days. Well it's payback time T-Pain, so I came up with some new lyrics for your song!

Don't like the ba-arrr-ten-derrrr
(Ooooh if you're lookin' for me)
Not at the bar with 'errrr
(Whoa Uh-huh, OK)
I hate the ba-arrr-ten-derrrr
(Yeah if you're lookin' for me)
I'm throwing darts at her pic-turrre
(Oh uh-huh, OK)

Muhahahahahahaha - In your face T-Pain!

HELP!! MY FRIEND THINKS HE'S FUNNY.

2007-09-17T19:21:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's 8 o'clock and I'm still half asleep when my friend comes barging into the room and asks me " Yo dude, did the US consulate give you an S1 visa?"

Unsuspectingly I ask "S1 Visa? What would that be for?"

"For sleeping!" he replies smuggly.

Thought bubble: Harty har har...he's so funny...or so he thinks!!

THE GREEN AGENDA

2007-09-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

Individuals in England are elected to office based of it [The Green Agenda], and yet its weather has seemingly never heard of "Global Warming". California no doubt has. Dang it's hot out here!

I WANT TO LIVE IN A-MERI-CCA...

2007-08-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

...So I can mow the lawn without ever standing up.

OOH AHH!!

2007-08-31T10:38:00.001-07:00

Camp is over and at last a shower whose water temperature does not depend on whether the girls flush the loo or not. Wait a minute. Wait a cotton picking minute! All my life I've heard phrases like "Girls don't sweat, they glisten." & "Girls don't fart, they do... errrmmm...whatever it is they do to balance the atmospheric pressure of... Oh blah blah blah."

So if girls don't fart, it would therefore follow that they neither wee nor poop...nor do any of that icky stuff that boys do. If that is true, then what the heck were they doin' flushing the loos at six in the morning??!! Ruining my shower hour just for fun??!!

ALL GOOD THINGS...

2007-08-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

As is the custom of all good things, this summer too has come to an end. Dread it as we might have, Friday, August 17th finally came. Camp counselors penned heart-warming messages on each other's shirts (mine inclusive - Hoorah Hoorah!), and campers shed tears by the bucket loads, but still there was no turning back the hands of time. "There is a time for everything." the Bible declares. "A time to sow and a time to reap. A time to laugh and a time to cry." - and last Friday was one such time.

I miss "my kids" already - James, Daniel, Brian, Anthony & Brendon (my li'l Chinaman who insists that I too must be Chinese - becuz I, according to him, apparently have a flat face) ...and 17 more boys. Then there was Abby and Hanna (who pretty much adopted me), Christina (who reminds me of myself), and Colleen (one of my faves with a miniature horse called Painty), who always gave me bigs warms hugs and picked me fresh wild flowers on a near daily basis.

The games were fun, and so were the Bible studies. But there still was nothing greater or as awe-inspiring as watching God work His way in not only the lives of the children but also of the counselors'. The lessons in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self-control were never-endingly in session. The result? Well, let's just say it sparkles more than the blingiest of bling baby!!

So, no matter who you are, or where you come from, I recommend that you give yourself (at some point in your life) to working with children. It is both testing and fulfilling at the same time, and I found it this year at DAY CAMP SUNSHINE.

I'M BLACK, I'M WHITE... I'M DANGEROUS!!

2007-08-16T03:19:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me how I did it... All I know is that it was a heck of alot easier for me to achieve than it was for Peter Pan. Oh, and the nose is real too...just in case you was wonderin'!

TRIGGER-HAPPY TEENS.

2007-08-12T14:51:00.001-07:00

...And everytime, it never fails to amuse. They pull my finger, I fart. Death to America? I think not! I love America!!!

TOILET ART?

2007-08-11T20:04:00.001-07:00

Someone drew this li'l smiley face in a crevice just above the urinal, in the li'l men's room... Common vandalism or a poignant expression of relief? You decide.

SNIFF, SNIFF... AHHHHHH!!!

2007-08-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I smell like a magazine... A really cool and sexy magazine. Awww shucks!

The Bourne Ultimatum

2007-08-05T19:28:00.000-07:00

Loved it so much, I've seen it twice already. JAMES BOND, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!!

Can U Even Spell Salad?

2007-08-02T19:35:00.000-07:00

Asked the 7-year-old: "Mr. Sharpe, is it okay if I have just a salad for lunch?"

Okay I'm just wondering... ))))WHAT THE HECK'S WRONG WITH KIDS TODAY?(((( He's only 7 and already he's watching his weight?

Friggin' "Size Zero Phenomenon!!"

JESUS KNOWS EVERYTHING.

2007-07-24T16:01:00.000-07:00

One of my kids wore this t-shirt to camp today.

THEY LOVE ME, THEY LOVE ME NOT!

2007-07-20T20:09:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how it can shake your confidence to the core, to think that maybe a child doesn't love you anymore?

Today, I had one of those.

YA CAN'T TAKE IT WIT'CHA!

2007-07-08T14:23:00.000-07:00

Said the obscenely rich dying man to his faithful wife: "When I die, I want you to bury me with all my money. I'm gonna take it all with me!!"

After the funeral, a friend of the family asked the faithful widow:

Family Friend: "So what was in his will?"

Faithful widow: "He wanted to be buried with all his money."

Family friend: "And you did?"

Faithful Widow: "Yeah. But girl don't worry about it. I wrote him a cheque."

BLEAKNESS JUST

2007-07-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

So today I met this poet...actually I work with her as a camp counselor. I asked her how she does it. How does she put words together that just happen to make sense and sound beautiful too? Just as she started to explain, I started to deliberately interrupt her. So she recited this 2-liner on the spot.

Mr. Sharpe wont let me speak
His future looks so very bleak!

That shut me up.

HELLO US & A!!!

2007-06-29T17:03:00.001-07:00

So here I am in the US and A... with some dude changing a tire after my first puncture... which by the way happened at only 33 miles left to my destination. It's a'ight. I'm safe y'all. Feels good to be driving at 80 mph tho'!! Woo hoo!!!!!!!! Feel the wind in my locks baby! Okay, I am severely jet-lagged so I'ma hit the sack now. More later on my exploits in the US and A.

MORE ON STEREOTYPES

2007-06-26T07:57:00.001-07:00

...Said the obnoxiously loud Nigerian to the Chinese girl who was just sitting there minding her own business:

OLN: So, do you sell films?

CG: Huh?

OLN: Films....

CG: Huh?

OLN: [draws a square sign in the air] Films, films...

CG: Oh... No. I'm a student.

Now here's I would have asked the OLN if I were the CG.

Me [pretending to be CG]: So are you a scam artist?

MUQTADA AL-HAMSTR!

2007-06-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

WILL HE PULL "IT" OFF?!!

2007-06-18T05:15:00.000-07:00

Jaja Stone thrills a crowd in Jakarta, Indonesia, by pulling a bus along... with his penis.

It was part of a strong man contest to mark the city's 480th anniversary. Mr Stone proved he had balls of steel by pulling the 8.9- tonne bus 50m (55 yards) using his genitals.

NOW WHY THE HECK WOULD I WANNA DO THAT?!!

MY LAST DAY AT WORK

2007-06-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

...then there were days [and many days at that], when I got up in the morning and wished I could quit! Not because I feel I'm special [which I am...in a straight jacket kinda way] and don't wanna make an earnest living [which I do], but because I genuinely had no passion for what I was doin'...well that and the fact that it made me feel like a hamster on a treadmill. Many times I wondered how other people managed it anyway - the daily grind of the proverbial 9-5. They simply clocked in, did their jobs, clocked out at the end of the day, then went home and collapsed infront of the TV, or, went to the pub to knock back a few pints of warm beer. And the same routine starts all over again the next day. How do they do it? But most importantly why do they do it? Because upon close observation I found that most of them hate their jobs, or the manager, or the girl on the next till who thinks she's all that and a bag of c-hips, and then some more...c-hips!

Upon closer observation still, I found that most of them had dreams and passions which for some reason or another, they had abandoned. "We all can't be a Sir Richard Branson or a J.K. Rowling" they sad, who by the way, was absolutely broke and living off benefits until she finally had enough of it and decided she was gonna do something about it. That was before 2001. Fast forward to 2007, she's richer than the Queen of England [who apparently goes by the name Elizabeth and doesn't even have a second name]!

To be continued...

BEAUTY WORKS ON THE SECOND FLOOR

2007-06-16T14:09:00.000-07:00

I've felt like a bumbling teenager everytime I've seen her. Racing heart, sweaty palms, and knees so wobbly that I've thought to myself: "Dang! That must be jam cuz jelly don't shake that much!"

She's got the loveliest pair of eyes you ever saw - big and brown and playful as a fawn. For weeks we stole glances at each other until finally, on this my last day of work, I plucked up the courage. I smiled at her, she smiled back. Whoah! Did the angels just sing? Drat! It's just my Ipod.

I'll probably never see her again, but her eyes and her smile in my heart they'll remain. In a few short lines I just wanted to say, her beauty inspires poetry.

Beauty works on the Second Floor.

A CASE OF SCHADENFREUDE

2007-06-16T04:23:00.000-07:00

Dunno for sure but it looks to me like someone's gon' git rewarded for bein' happy that Paris is in jail. Do we really hate our lives so much that we now have to live thru' celebrities?

...Just wondering.

JUST MUCKING ABOUT ON MY 2.16 GHz, Intel Core Duo, 2 GB 667MHz DDR2 SDRAM Apple Macbook Pro

2007-06-16T01:06:00.000-07:00

Do I really look 27?
Awwww shucks...

sharpe@don't-even-think-about-it.com

2007-06-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

I am nina. I am from Moscow, Russia. I am dreaming to find my real man. Maybe this is you? What do you think about it?
Please, send me a reply here: mailto:nina@bestladies4u.com

MY REPLY:
I am Sharpe. I am from Kampala, Uganda. Keep dreaming!!
Please do not send me a reply. [sharpe@don't-even-think-about-it.com]

HOLEY SMELLY SOCKS!!

2007-06-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

THEN THERE ARE THOSE STEREOTYPES

2007-06-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

The last time I saw him I was on a train to work I think. He came on at Alperton and sat opposite me - with a full on bushy beard and in Arab dress - thobe, sirwal, ghutra, the works. He also had with him a disconcertingly large backpack. As if this was not enough he reached into that huge backpack of his and pulled out an equally huge book. It's title was: "THE END IS NEAR".

I considered moving to another carriage.

I saw him again today on the bus 92. He still sports a bushy beard but he's not so scary anymore.

AND ANOTHER THING...

2007-06-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or would a straight guy generally be uncomfortable about his gay workmate sharing his love life with him?? Cuz I am...uncomfortable. First it was the I-can't-wait-to-spend-the-weekend-with-him stories, then the next thing I know, I am meeting Phil. Pleasant guys really...but the subject's clearly not my kettle of fish and I don't believe as they do.

Does that make me homophobic?

A BLACK GUY CAN HAND-FEED A SQUIRREL TOO

2007-06-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

Errrmmm...nope!

BRUCE ALMIGHTY

2007-06-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

When I was in my P7 vacation [Uganda's equivalent of the 7th Grade], which was Oh, I dunno...before the last ice age perhaps, I watched 500 movies in 5 months. Yep, from First Blood 1 to Rocky 500, and I had a list to prove it. I remember back then there was a video hall called the 3rd World Media. It was furnished with wooden benches and was always half covered in darkness...whether or not a movie was playing.

Fast forward to the global-warming, polar-ice-melting, everybody's-gotta-use-one-sheet-of-toilet-paper-in-the-loo age, I am still an avid lover of film. And one that caught my attention several years back was the bona fide silly man Jim Carrey's Bruce Almighty, the obvious moral of which is power corrupts corruptible beings such as you and I. The not so obvious moral however is what I chose to call God's Dilemma, because try as he might have, Bruce with all of God's power vested in him, could not force his girlfriend to love him.

And isn't that just how it is with God? He created you and I not as automatons but with a free will. And try as He [God] might, with all His power and all the love He has for us, He can not force humanity to love Him. Instead we have to choose. We have to choose to love Him out of our own free will and gratitude for who He is and what He's done for us.

APPROACHING PARANOIA

2007-06-13T03:25:00.000-07:00

I think the whole neighbourhood can hear me coughing at night.

IT'S RAINING...

2007-06-11T03:20:00.000-07:00

To the casual browser, this might not make any sense at all. But I woke up this morning and I heard the Spirit of God saying:

"I hear the sound of the abundance of rain!"

If this means anything to you, then I suggest you take it and run with it, because it wont be long that your wilderness will rejoice and be glad, for "I HEAR THE SOUND OF THE ABUNDANCE OF RAIN!"

A TALE OF TWO SQUIRRELS

2007-06-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

So there I was, sitting cross legged like a yoga guru in Hyde Park enjoying my lunch, when along came two squirrels chasing each other across the green. In my mind's eye I saw the scene being played out as an animated feature cartoon. It would be called A TALE OF TWO SQUIRRELS and the following would be the dialogue between the 2 feuding rodents one of which I'll call Viola and the other Squeak.

EXT. HYDE PARK - DAY

Squeak chases Viola across the walkway and onto to the green.
Viola's agility is making it difficult for Squeak to catch
up to her.

SQUEAK
(flustered)
Oi! Viola! Give me back my nuts!
Give me back my nuts I say!

-THE END-

CPT. CURLY

2007-06-08T02:54:00.000-07:00

It's great to have him back after a week off sick and another off doin' exams. The graffiti drawing, cherub looking Captain Curly or just Curls - after his wildly plentiful curly blonde locks, and, he's as straight as they usually come. Nothing personal, but I have alot more in common with a straight guy than I do with a...eerrrmmm, not straight...guy. i.e. GIRLS...and other non-girlsie stuff.

I must say tho' that for a guy with such a bounty of curls, he has a rather pathetic looking excuse for a beard...looks like it fell off the comb or something worse - bum fluff!! Get rid of it matey!

ATCHOOO!!!

2007-06-08T02:48:00.000-07:00

Stuffy dose and sore siduses. Friggin' pollen count!

THE VILEST OFFENDER

2007-06-07T06:05:00.000-07:00

For a considerable part of yesterday through to this morning, I have been marveling at the nature of God – His mercy to be more specific. 1 Kings 21 records an account of King Ahab and a man named Naboth who owned a vineyard that Ahab wanted for himself.

When Naboth would not sell, King Ahab consented to a plot by his wife Jezebel [or Jezzy Jezz for our convenience], to have him [Naboth] wrongly accused and subsequently "whacked" or "smoked" or if I were to render it more fashionably, "they was gon' bust a cap in his a-double snakes". This act kindled God’s wrath against Ahab prompting Elijah the Tishbite [who Ahab apparently referred to as his enemy], to deliver a not so happy message which you can find in 1 Kings 21:21-24, which if you’re too lazy to turn there cuz they haven’t yet made bible flipping remotes, I’ll be happy to paraphrase. Errmmm, basically the message said that Ahab's whole family would soon be sleeping with the fishes!

Verses 25 & 26 give us a brief biography of Ahab – about how no one else was more sold out to the devil than he, and how Jezzy Jezz encouraged him to do every sort of evil, and by this time I’m think yep, he’s got what he deserves coming to him! But then I read on…

27When Ahab heard those words of Elijah, he tore his clothes, put sackcloth on his flesh, fasted, lay in sackcloth, and went quietly.

Again, in my righteous indignation I’m thinking oh boo hoo… Surely the Lord cannot hear this dude can He? But darn it, He did and it’s recorded in the last 2 verses:

28And the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite, saying,
29Do you see how Ahab humbles himself before Me? Because he humbles himself before Me, I will not bring the evil in his lifetime, but in his son's day I will bring the evil upon his house.

The vilest offender who truly believes, that moment from Jesus a pardon receives.

Dude, what a merciful God we serve.

MY ODDLY EFFEMINATE BLONDE-HAIR-BLUE-EYED WORK COLLEAGUE

2007-06-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Let's call him Li'l Mickey Blue Eyes or Li'l Mickey Blue. He is polite and well spoken, and he worries about his nose feeling like a nail file despite the fact that he just had a facial scrub 2 days ago. Yep, you guessed it. He’s a new one, and I don't quite know what to make of him, plus my GAYDAR is buzzzziiinnng!!!

I complimented his hair and toilette; he complimented my accent. So yes, it is safe to say that we were trading compliments. Then he told me about “his man” who is a pilot and has been away the last nine days, and that he can’t wait to be with him all weekend long.

Okay… Not awkward. Not awkward at all.

BLACK PEOPLE TAN TOO!

2007-06-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

Just sitting there soaking in the sunrays and breaking wind…
Ah, serenity.

HI, I'M A PC...

2007-06-06T03:02:00.000-07:00

A tickly cough, aches & pains, lethargy, my nose feels like it should by now own a pair of Nike running shoes, my locks have lost their glorious luster, and my face looks like it’s got a colony of bacteria living on it. Generally speaking, I am virus ridden and if I were a computer, I’d be a PC. I better be better than Stephen Spielberg when I’m through cuz this is all in the name of saving up for film school.

And another thing...
What is the objective of having to go through 5 heavy doors just to get to the cafeteria?

YOUR DADDY, TERRORIST. YOU, BOMB.

2007-06-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today I got to work at 9:40 AM – a whole 5 minutes earlier than the customary 9:45 AM. I was minding my own business as usual when I suddenly turned around and there, on the up-escalator... just a couple of steps behind me and in her gym clothes, stood my FOXY FLOOR MANAGER.

Only one corny pick-up line came to mind… Yeah, the one about her father being a terrorist and she the BOMB!!

Minutes later she emerged in her I-am-the-boss-of-you black suit. BOOO!!!

PS: The Pretty Chinese Girl with 32 perfect teeth from downstairs shook my hand today. "Upon my word" I thought, "that's the best thing that's ever happened to my right hand!"

Saturday 06.02.2007

2007-06-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS

Today went by almost faster than I could say “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” On the internet all morning, lunch in the park, a nice long call to speak to my home folk, and then back onto the internet all afternoon, apparently trying to fix my myspace page so it’ll look a li’l less bland. [As if...]

6 0’clock, work was done and I headed home to get ready for a house warming party.

AT THE HOUSE-WARMING PARTY

I was fashionably late. There were Arabs and Asians and Caucasians and Jamaicans and I, the only African. My Afghan host was right to call his group of friends the “United Colors of Benetton.” I had been asked to bring a bottle so I took Amarula. The host looked it over [probably inspecting the alcohol percentage content - 17%. Hmmm… I’m guessing not hard enough], and set it on a table in the living room. Not in the kitchen with the Stella and the Cognac, et cetera, but on a table in the living room with the potato crisps and biscuits and celery sticks!

So there I was surrounded by a particular bunch of drunk white boys - one the living, spitting image of both Shaggy from Scooby Doo, and Ed Norton and the other [an actor cum bar attendant], that made up wife-bashing songs in a Punjabi accent, and wiped his bottom with an acquaintance’s cardigan. I left fashionably early. I could never pass for a member of the “United Color of Benetton… ssssssssssssss.”

Friday, 06.01.2007

2007-06-03T13:44:00.000-07:00

THE BIG BAD WOLF MATHEMATICS.

Extrapolations:
1st Little piggy [P1] = Me
2nd Little piggy [P2] = Sahar
The Big Bad Wolf [TBBW] = Julie

She [TBBW], came through the door at almost 1 am last night. I’m guessing all was well, she was thinking happy thoughts… Thoughts of having a quick meal, thoughts of a well-fluffed, comfortable…errmmm…couch. That was before she hit the light switch. After she hit the light switch, there were no more happy thoughts. No more “hakuna matata”, and definitely no more “when-life-tries-to-get-you-down-just-keep-swimming” songs. In their stead was the “below-human-hearing-range” sound of expletives - a huff and a puff and a huff and another puff. Just one more huff and puff and the house would have been blown down. And what would have become of the poor little piggys in bed? Well, as the story goes TBBW had them for dinner.

In the morning I found a note stuck to the kitchen window…clearly a precipitation of the previous night’s huff/puff session. It read:

Dear all,

As there is no maid in this house. Don’t leave anything in the sink. Read between the lines and clean up after yourself.

Signed,
TBBW

Here’s the thing. First of all my name’s not “All” and secondly, I don’t do lines. Pictures maybe but never lines. Lines are too cryptic for me you see, so I simply don’t do lines. And lastly, how come she gets to leave notes and I don’t…get to leave notes?

THE POLISH GIRL FROM THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.

The following is a conversation I had with another of those new [Polish this time], work colleagues today.

Polish Work Colleague: So, how old are you?

Me: 34.

Polish Work Colleague [Exclaims]: Oh my God! You look like you 25 or you 27. Are you married?

Me [beaming sheepishly]: Oh shucks, thank you. I get that a lot. And no, I’m not yet married.

Polish Work Colleague: Not yet huh? But you are thinking about it no?

Me: Well, yeah. In a couple of years or so. But first I have to get a girlfriend.

Polish Work Colleague [somewhat shocked]: You don’t have a girlfriend why?

Me: Nyah… Too busy for that right now. I travel way too much at the moment.

Polish Work Colleague: It’s the summer you know. There are lots of pretty girls out there in the pubs or in the park…

Me: Hmmmm… I’ve never looked at it that way.

So off to Hyde Park I went, for it is as the crow flies from where I work. But still I thought to myself: So how does that work exactly? Would I walk up to a sunbathing woman in Hyde Park and say - “Hi there half-naked and baking in the sun pretty woman, will you be my girlfriend with intent to be wed? Nah.

Thursday 05.31.2007

2007-06-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

THE “I-GOT-MY-FIRST-AK47-AT-5” PRETTY BOY FROM AFGHANISTAN.

I was wondering how my day was going to turn out – thought it was going to be another drab one, then, I met my new work colleague [I always seem to have a different one everyday]. Actor/playwright/novelist/director well spoken pretty boy from Afghanistan who kept straightening his suit and brushing his hair back with his hands.

Here are a few fundamental differences between him and me.

1. He comes from Afghanistan. I come from Uganda. Afghanistan hot, Uganda…errmm… not hot.

2. When I was 5 or 6 years old, I was playing with Lego and the famed matchbox toy cars. When he was 5 or 6 years old, his father gave him and AK47 for his birthday – whichever one it was, fifth or sixth – and he has a photograph to prove it.

3. At 5 he fired a Magnum revolver on his own and dislocated his right shoulder. At 5 I hadn’t yet fallen out of a tree. I didn’t even have a tree to fall out of.

Note to self: Send 4-year, 364-day-old me telex from future.
Content of telex: "For 5th birthday, ask daddy for AK-47."

PS: The Afghan invited me to his house warming party. [2nd party invitation of the week. Wow, I’m happening. Either that’s the case or these people are just lonely and are glad to have anyone come to their houses…even if it’s me.] Apparently he thought I was a decent bloke. I believe “a well spoken and decent bloke” are the exact words he used. I plan to go.

Wednesday 05.30.2007

2007-06-03T13:32:00.000-07:00

There’s nothing to write about today. My day was totally uneventful and the pretty Chinese Girl with 32 perfect teeth from downstairs didn’t smile at me today. Perhaps that’s why it feels so drab.

Okay this is so lame. Would me having a great day depend on the pretty Chinese Girl with 32 perfect teeth from downsatirs smiling at me? Hmmmm… Nah!

Tuesday, 05.29.2007

2007-06-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

BRIGHT AND SHINY AND BACTERIA-FREE

The supply stock in our house will usually rival a nuclear bunker’s… Yes it’s true. Not even the famed cockroach could outlast us in the event of a nuclear holocaust. Not so this morning, because this morning we woke up to a house with no supplies – not even the most basic of supplies like sugar, milk, bread, or food were anywhere in sight. And no, there was no cake either you Marie-Antoinette-wise-ass. I continue. There were no important papers [toilet paper], and as such I couldn’t take Winnie for her daily swim [taking Winnie for a swim is code for answering nature’s number 2 call], and to top it all off, there was no shower gel either, but I did have a quick wash – with Carex, a sensitive, bacteria-killing hand wash from Cussons.

Bright and shiny and bacteria free!

THE LI'L BANGLADESHI MAN

I hadn’t seen him for days then today, he was there at his usual spot. There was something about his demeanor though. He wasn’t running around spit-shining everything in sight – making me look bad in the process, and I was at least glad about that. He told me he’d been taken ill over the weekend. I wasn’t glad about that.

THE FOXY FLOOR MANAGER

We usually can hear her 1000 miles away. Click, clack, click, clack, goes the sound of her approaching 6-inch heels. This morning though, she seemed to appear out of nowhere and found me messing about on my 2.16 GHz, Intel Core Duo, 2 GB 667MHz DDR2 SDRAM Apple Macbook Pro. Oh swoon... She's so pretty... I meant my laptop you dummy. Okay, okay, the floor manager too. MOVING ON! She was looking for a pair of scissors that she’d forgotten at my desk a couple of days back. I froze.

Suddenly she was standing there and in my thought bubble I was thinking: “Dude, say something... Anything... Hello??!!”

But alas, there was an "OUT TO LUNCH" sign hung over my brain. I was dumbstruck, speechless, bereft of utterances. She seemed to have cut out my tongue with the very scissors she was looking for.

Now I don’t know what is worse, being told off for something you should not be doing or, not being told off at all. Allow me dear reader to submit to you that I think the latter is worse for as soon as she left, I immediately took to spit-shining all the “spit-shineable” [if there ever be such a term], surfaces until I could see myself in them.

Bright and shiny and bacteria-free me, bright and spit-shiny and not-so-bacteria-free-surfaces.

THE BEAUTY DEPARTMENT ECONOMIST

At lunch, she sat at a table right next to mine. No sooner had she settled down than I informed her that she had just sat on and smothered to death, my imaginary friend “Gee-gee” [I hope she didn’t think I was schizo. Do you think I'm schizo? Wait, what am I asking you for again?]. Later we confabulated on subjects ranging from [her] “brains and pulchritude”, to [my] “handsome liver and well chiseled kidneys”. I observed as she smiled - for I did make her smile, that she had a beautiful set of teeth. "O calamity…" I thought. "That’s unacceptable. It’s unpatriotic. In fact, it’s downright un-British!!"

Five minutes before the end of the lunch break, I fled for lack of any more intelligent things to say, to the safety of my exquisite but dead-as-a-doornail domain at Bed by Conran… At least I didn’t have to keep up a charade in the company of my inanimate companions – the bed linen.

Bright and shiny and bacteria-free me, bright and spit-shiny and not-so-bacteria-free-surfaces and confabulous [again, if ever there be such a word]!

PS: The Chinese Girl from downstairs smiled at me today. She doesn't have six hundred teeth.

Monday 05.28.2007

2007-06-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

NIGERIAN GIRL

She walked in as I gave a new temp the grand tour of my exquisite but dead-as-a-doornail-domain at Bed by Conran, apparently to request for the sales figures of the week that was - to compare the performance between hers and my concession. From the way she was attired I would have thought she was here for another reason all together… to compare chest muscles perhaps? Hmmm? In which case she would have won – hands down! Okay, okay, I admit to staring but only once, okay twice, when she wasn’t looking. Minutes later, I chided myself for my despicable behavior. Bad llama, bad!!

MY WEED-SMOKING FRENCH GIRLFRIEND

We met over lunch today. She had French bread with a tuna filling and nothing to drink, and I had errrmmm… what does it matter what I had? The point is that I had lunch with a French girl and that in itself is, is, is…is just is. [By the way, did I ever tell you I had a flying instructor who punctuated his sentences with the word “is”? No? Well I did…have a flying instructor who punctuated his sentences with the word “is”.] Anyway, the French girl and I were deep in conversation about everything and nothing in particular.

As she talked, I watched in utter amazement as her head bobbed back and forth like one of those car-display-dogs, and her hands were flailing about in all directions like a poisson [which is French for fish], out of water. I remembered with fondness a theory that my late father [bless his soul], once put to me about the French and their talking hands. He theorized you see, that there was only one way to shut a Frenchman up: bind him both hand and foot. [Not that I wanted to shut this French girl up, no. It was interesting listening to her talk – with her whacky French accent.] She later made me a café latte. Awww…

PS: This is the same French girl that invited me to her farewell party after talking to me for less than five minutes yesterday. We chat like old acquaintances [about nothing and come to think of it, I wonder how long I can keep it up], but she doesn’t even remember my name. Am I that inconsequential?